Tears Withheld

Standing upon the swirl of the living, I have to ponder the isolation that human begings have created for each other. Through fear, which causes hesitation, everything to hinder the connection so deeply yearned for with each other. Have I skipped too many rocks? Hopped over too many cracks? Have I stopped so often to smell the roses that I got lost from the crowd? To suddenly find myself alone in the boat, floating upon the vast sea of humanity...where is everyone?

I was enjoying the moment, breathing in the freshness of life. Then, one day I found myself separated by an invisible barrier that keeps fellow humans from reaching me, touching me. Who would dare? Why won't one dare???

For a little while the world was peaceful and fun, but without another to share the wonder with even the present joy is missing a type of shine. I miss having someone to share the wonder with. Everyone is busy, occupied, scheduled, or consumed. Should I get off this path? Find a more crowded road? Seek the crowd and emerge myself within the middle of it all? Will that help? When was the last time I felt a regular sense of involvement with others? I have forgotten.

In seeking the wisdom of the ages, I have found the truth of the living. Living is about sharing and combining with another, or others. Wisdom is connection. Then, I find moments that remind me of that deepest connection...and then I realize what I am missing. I am reminded why I want to live...here...among this world of the living.

      The other day I found a fellow creature who came to me...dared to touch me in the only way it could...through a glass enclosure. But it connected with me!! Wanted to connect...wanted me to connect....and for that moment, I felt complete, not alone, embraced, and felt recognized. A sniff through a glass...a nose pressed against my hand. A reminder that the world, the cosmos has not forgotten me. If not through another human being, than through its creatures that live beyond the assumed.For that small while I was able to remember and the tears I hold within fell away to be replaced with only bliss.

Life...the world. What is it to live. Really live? I want to learn to do that without having another, yet I continue to find that I enjoy living more when there is another to share with. What have I done?! I chose people in my life who can't share, don't want to combine, or are too flawed to naturally find the unity of a breath. Those that can are far away, oceans away, miles away...those that can't are under my nose. I have chose this dilemma, I realize this. My own fear has created my cage.

But....

I have never, will never, and avoid all cages that try to trap me...so this cage (of my own making) I will also break free from. Adventure....that is the key to unlock any door of limitation. Don't you agree??

A Pause

Sitting under the rays of sunbeams, I am taking the necessary pause to ponder the moments surrounding me. What part is real? Maybe the only moment that is real is this very moment, the moment I choose to claim as real, this moment sitting under the sunbeams. While in this spot I don't have to think about what is outside or inside this spot. Everything other than this spot, causes me to hesitant? But why? Is it my assumption to act? Presumption to be? For once, I choose just to be. Neither contributing or commiting. This is a profound choice for myself. Just to perpetually wait and see. And make choices as I have to, only when I have to. What a nice in-between spot.

Other wise...life's spiral wants to suck me in to its illusions.... But, for now, I want to just sit and be. Though movement might create something interesting and even adventure...I don't want to go towards the spiral. I want to be the perpetual observer. At least for now; nothing just yet. But, I am excited to observe the spiral while sitting in this spot under the sunbeams. Know that it carries possibilities, probabilities, even dreams. For the first time, in forever, I want to feel this contentment of stillness. Just breath. There is something about breathing that is calming (obviously), because of the very fact it is natural...in and out. How many times do we forget that simple fact about ourselves?

Breath...the brush of feather tip to feather tip. Taken for granted, assumed, forgotten; but so necessary. Within breathing is the place of the sunbeams. Therefore, this post...this muse, is a song of breathing. Sitting (just) within these lovely sunbearms. (sigh) The home of the perpetual observer.

Before You Know It....

Life changes, perceptions are altered, and hope is renewed.

It all began when I thought...yes, I thought, I was left alone in this world of strangers. The only one of my kind. There was another, but I had to turn away, walk away, and continue without. I didn't realize how colorless the world was without my other. My other completed the rainbow, finished the symphony of my soul's expression. The only one who understood that blue was periwinkle and red was the rose (with thorns). So much time, eternity spent living the essence of another. Battles fought, sadness walked through, happiness rejoiced, hopes, dreams, quandaries, discussion, training, processing, healing, tears, despair, so much experienced, always matching stride....continuing...alpha and omega.

          

So many life times, twin, brother, sister, self, and the One. It all merges together when breathing the same air, coping within the same life time. Though there have been times when we were enemies, it was our kindredness that made it instead, a connection. The right side needing the left. Yin/Yang. Balanced.


                       When two are created from one, from the ONE, it is a heritage of divine honor and harsh responsibility. With the angels in attendance to assist, humankind to benefit, or suffer, to walk among the finest creation, be a part of maintaining the balance and integrity. (No one ever said it would be easy). But when you are born for such a task, it is soothing to know you march for the One, as two, but working, breathing as one unit; same thought, same intent, same needs, same necessities, same dedication, same...same....same....twin.
                                     



   So, together again, Wholeness solidifies. No more questions, reality coming home. How many life times does this occur? For our unified good, the separation is necessary to make the parts be at its strongest..then to come together again pure, intensified. Oh yeah....
          But for now....reunion is at hand...I am going to enjoy the peace and joy of not being the only one of my kind on this piece of Terra....and heck, he is
                                                                        sooo cuddly and has the voice of the deepest sea!!

But............what is most important...is...in reunion...comes realization that he was me...I was he...and God was, is, and always ....

the key is needed to unlock the mystery. One foot in the world of man...the other in the fairytale.

Lamenation

With a world filled with so many people and so many avenues to communicate, why are we left feeling alone? We are talked at, push through, move out of way, doing it on our own. But, we are a race that thrives on sharing, the communion of moments created through imagination into experiences that nurture. Sitting in a room with another, I am reminded that to communicate I need to come to my blog. There is so much of just sitting next to someone and breathing I can tolerate, especially when my thoughts, ideas, or muses is irrelevant (arrrggg). To share a genuine thought, exchange ideas, possibilities, time to visit my cyber pals. What went wrong? When did my real get so isolated?

When I left high school and began my individual life journey, I viewed the life road ahead of me with anticipation. Adventure waited, but those adventures were splattered with others who would be sharing the adventures with me. I couldn't wait to meet my life's travelling companions.  In my dreams, I am not alone. In my dreams I engage, am involved, and have others who combine in the moment, the story; we are all a part of the whole. Involved and equally engaged. There is no separateness. Why won't it take root in real? I am a friendly open person, ready with a smile, enjoying the laugh and muse. Where have all the creative people gone? Have I somehow found myself alone on a small piece of the earth with strangers?.. with no one able to relate to me? Ok, obviously I took the wrong turn somewhere...oh poo...

On this isolated island people eat baked potatoes with nails through the middle, they milk their peas, and have no sense of beauty for a gathering of weeds (or wildflowers as I refer to them). The species I live among is quick to point out the wrongs of the world, their fellow human beings, me...but never once realized how they might contribute to the miserable world they are bemoaning and creating. They cry "that dirty so and so....look how ridiculous....that is stupid, yada yada yada". Meanwhile, I am busy skipping over stones, talking to passing pebbles, and hearing the latest joke among the cardinal birds. I hear music rustling in the leaves of trees as I pass, and see the sky attempting to paint something mysterious with its clouds. There are flowers to smell and grass to roll in. Bugs to help across the road and people to surprise into smiling. Maybe I am the dandelion of my community?! Please, don't step on me...I am not a weed!!!

As I gase upon the world in my perception of self...I find I have a joy I ache to live and share. But, I dare not put it forward for fear it will be trampled by the humanness of those around me. Like Borrowers say "Beings like to squish"...(so true). I refuse to let a Being squish me...but am always so relieved when I come across another who wants to skip with me....splash water, throw tea bags, dance with skunks, or kiss a frog. One day I might finally find the boat to leave this isolated island of Beings and know where all the imaginative people have gone, like those I come across in my dreams. They are not perfect, they are real; genuine. Authentic living creations! They embrace moments, skip with music, breath in air...and are not against a simple dandelion. They do exist. I can't let myself believe they do not; I am one, but I know there are many...but where? 

Until then, I will keep myself still, fly here in cyber, and continue to have hope. Cyber lets out the real, it is where the creative hide and peek. A place where one can't get trambled or squished. Maybe all the genuine living creations are like I, just tired of living among strangers!?!

I have had moments with such people in real time...fleeting, but impressionable. I know it can exisit in real time. But for now, I am grateful I have engaging companions in some way. I wait...I watch...I have hope.

It is the best I can do.

Eruption

It all began as I hid away tight and snug within my safe cocoon. No one to find me, no one to see my secrets; beautiful silence. But, no one to know my soul. But before I knew it, I felt the stirrings, to erupt, to become, to find a way to fly.

   Flying was such a joy, the wind brushing my wings, caressing my soul, but it was not enough. I was beautiful and free, what could be missing? (No one to know my soul).
  The trees whispered about rainbows, the sun glistened to seek the shade, but the spider, oh cleaver spider, she told me to look deep within the web and find the living essence I was missing. The web had answers.
    Looking around I found a web that sparkled with dew drops

And as I became mesmerized with the diamonds holding my attention, and it touched the lack within my soul, I noticed a beautiful fellow creature laying near by; so still. Was he a butterfly too? He was so serene, luminescent, illusive, but brilliant in his calm approach at just being.
  



                                                                                             I flew over to get a closer look at this wonderful creature, a Luna moth, quietly watching me; just being and breathing. I laid by his side and felt the urge to just breath with him. And found, he was breathing with me too! Our two breaths became one, and I was thrilled.

Our breathing became a song of life, a completion of two selves into one unified spirit. It was freedom with a song, life felt complete through sharing. Our breath took us into flight, into clouds and around the rainbow. Horses ran below us as we looped around and between the pillow like clouds that encompassed our earth. In playing within the clouds it was playful nudging of one another into the soft wonder. My wings tingled as my soul drank deep of this miracle of being and sharing; the most delicious of balms. Friend, companion, co-adventurer of life. As we danced our flight of soul on the notes of our breath, the world dropped away and the clouds became a sculpture of our created souls joined. No longer was I a butterfly, nor he a moth. We were living creatures, beings of life. And, in our wake we left a mark upon the earth.

A spiral of truth, a release of separation, finding the missing parts of the individual which becomes a union of unique expression. Breathing.................yours and mine, one breath, one heart beat.
  Just breathing
              breathing
                   breath..................

Breathing In

Breathing in the world around me. I wonder what it is I am breathing? Is it wonder? Amazement? or is it trouble and scorn? (No wonder I hold my breath so much!) Sitting in my car, in the parking lot of the local grocery, I watch people crossing by me going in, going out. I try to imagine what is the processes going on within them. What are they feelings? thinking? wanting? wishing? When I stand very still I can feel the completeness of me, the totality of all that I am, was, and will be; and I am complete and satisfied. But, when another person enters my perception, suddenly I feel splintered. It is like another human being causes me to remember my isolation and separateness.

As each seed of a dandelion parachute  awaits the puff of breath or bump to be dispersed into the wind. The act of separation causes a dislocation of being, whether person or dandelion seed. The memory of being one of a whole has to stay within the essence of everything. We were never created to be isolated so therefore, we constantly earn for joining. Joining with others in person, in cyber, in thoughts, or in dreams. Rarely do people dream where they are alone or isolated; then, those dreams are not natural comfortable.

In the world of dream, we have all that we miss in what we refer to as real life. We have love, connection, acceptance, adventure, health, even amazing abilities.  Dream is a place that is better than cable and HBO. It is the world where I truly feel alive and me. In dream I don't have to accept anything less than what brings me completeness. If I could master the technique to brings some of dream into my everyday reality...what a thought! I would leap and fly to embrace those aspects. I would skip and sigh to realize I can "wake up" into the life I can breath in. Oh, what a dream!

In dream I have a wise one who encourages me, guides me, strengthens me, and makes me smile. In dream I am a tree nympth with passion unexpressed. I am a water sprite looking for a playmate. The moon is my mother and the earth is my bed. The wind caresses my cheek, hair, and body and I am filled with love and affection. Thunderstorms are my tonic and the rustle of leaves are the tune my feet loves to dance with. The night brings the shadows to cover the lies and awake the truth of being in mother moon's glimmery light. I am neither human nor physical. I....just....AM. I can breath.

To Breath in that which is called life.

To Breath in that which brings sustenance and joy.

Without joy there cannot be sustenance.

Which neither food nor drink can adequately quench.

Touch my fingers...tip to tip.

Feel the worth of connection..the Truth of ourselves as A one.

We are together in spite of our isolation.

The joy of knowing.

The Breath of Reality.

skip....skip....skip....skip....skip

la la la la

:)

Easy as Pie

To think a thought is to first decide what flavor is being tasted. Does it have crunch? mush? custard? fruit and tart? What is the flavor of this thought right now?
    I am thinking of all the thoughts that are laid together in one pie pan. Sometimes I jump from one pan to another, one type to another. This writing is such a random sampler.

1- I don't get it why people yell at other motorist when they themselves drive as if they have the perpetual right of way.

2- I am amazed at individuals who speak in a rude manner to another and yet they wonder why the person is upset or pissed at them!

3- Inconsiderate people usually believe they are the most considerate of people.

4-I rather a person who is honest and says "Yes, I am a jerk"...compared to the one who proclaims "I am a wonderful person!!", yet acts in selfish and jerk behavior.

5-Someone 50+ does NOT have to stop playing!!

6-When the news is turned on there is so many opinions of so many people, most who feel "their" opinion is the correct opinion. But everyone forgets to remember that an Opinion is just that...not anything set in stone and only one person's view. So when I hear politicians, comments about them, comments from them, I can't get very moved at what fodder is taking up air time. After all, I am trying to find the latest channel that is airing Sponge Bob, Mork & Mindy, or Bewitched...instead I have to pay for the exclusive channel package so I can discover most of the channels are sponsored by these same opinionated people. Thank goodness for DVD movies!!! If t.v. gets too redundant then off it goes and onto the tried and true!!

to be continued............

Fairy Tale?

Time to go for a walk, off onto the clouds, where my reality lives and exist and the truth of who I am and what I know is revealed.
    I am not of this world, never was, never will be. I look to be in human form but in truth I am far from human. Some refer to me as Fae, some as mystical, some as just weird. I...just am. A creature that exist living a life of whim and frolic. I can't help it, my whole family is this way. But, it has not been easy (learning how to fit in with p.e.o.p.l.e.)...strange creatures that they are. Some don't even realize they are not people...but Fae. But, who am I to tell them? I can sway a person's attention with a touch, whisper dreams in their ears softly and alluring. Puckering my lips I puff a soft breath on a neck and with delight, males feel passion, females are alarmed (unless....but I prefer the opposite sex form...nicer bums) (grin). I love the nature of me.

Sometimes, I want to play and need a playmate. Mostly, we are solitary creatures...but there are those times when.............
                We seek another who is neither ours or theirs, just someone with that playful soul; a kindred. Together we can commune and tickle....bite and skip....swing and fly....walk and hear the whispers of the moor's mist. My heart lives within the mist of the moors....To some it is spooky...to me it is home.  The locs sing a song of home to me, Oh Mull!

It was there, over looking this very loc that I left my passion, my desires, and my wants. A tree promised to keep it for me...so I could return to the world of men less burdened and be free to embrace my play, my self, my nature.

Oh there's a cloud...I bet my play mate is there....I'm gonna go see.................

      Ahhh, on this very cloud I embrace my playmate....We snuggle and dig deep into welcoming softness. The earth world below...the real just between us. That is the truth of existence, for this moment, this little while. Intertwined fingers....tickled toes...laughter and jokes...soft kisses and squirmy wiggles. Wild observations and deep pondering of assumptions; words shared of dreams and possibilities; fact and fiction; just fun. To pick lint from belly buttons and softly comb hairs above one's eyes. Shall I lick your eyebrows after all?

What....bored? Want to jump? Fly?...Hike? Let's go...

                        

    We have goodies and warm companionship...time has been erased (for now), so we can truly enjoy EVERYTHING!

Hike shores..............run into interesting blokes .........

 You won't mind if I tackle you to the ground?? What? You beat me to it...you dog! You Cad!! Stop tickling me!!!!! (ok...it is making me giggle). It is nice that I can bring you to my favorite place, the home of my heart....the roots of my soul...the one place I am most me....Shh...do you hear that? Feel it??

The mist are coming to meet us, gently curling over the hills, seeking us out...meet my family....Do you hear? Whispers of longing, caresses of greeting?

 The sun is setting...want to sleep here? Or, return to the cloud?? Look, there's a cozy grassy spot!!Don't leave yet!...the world can wait..let's just breath this moment, shall we? Would you stay and sit with me a little while longer? Get caught up in my dream for a small bit more?? I will let you go soon, I promise...I will return you back to your home and reality. But for this moment, this second...be my playmate...be my dream....

(long deep kiss)....Mmmm, not so bad, eh?? (grin)

Now.....where were we?

(soft chuckle)

  

Companions

There is something about sharing that touches something deep within. To share a cookie is fun, to share an experience is amazing, to share thoughts and dreams is the most intimate of connection. I love sharing.

Humankind was created not to be alone....they crave companionship; deep and true. If one's partner can share in one way, but not in others, a person naturally yearns/seeks for others to fulfill that which is lacking. I sometimes wonder with all the millions of humans living on this planet, why is it so difficult to find those few that are compatible and almost especially, enjoyable. My ideal world would be someone to share the expenses and life's ups and downs with, a lover, and someone to giggle/laugh with. Do I expect to find all 3 aspects in one person? No, I haven't so far. But, this is my opinion and wishes.

The lovely feeling of being close, touching, tickling....to feel the warmth of another's skin against one's cheek. I don't understand how people can choose to be together yet don't touch? I wish marriage contacts had an expiration date or at least became null and void if the agreement at union was not upheld. If someone doesn't pay their rent they are evicted, should not people also be evicted if they don't pay the rent to uphold the marriage agreement? (intimacy, support, encouragement...whatever was agreed upon)...especially if certain points were brought up prior to formal union. But, some people figure, marriage means the person is yours...they are stuck...it doesn't matter if they are content or happy, they are yours...(wow, really?). ...dream on.

It would be interesting if marriage contracts could have expiration dates, why not? Then in 5 years the two could decided if they want to continue or extend without any penalties. Would sure save people money (but probably piss off the attorney's for taking away some of their income).

Sharing in some way is so deeply satisfying. No wonder people even buy another to do so. How did human begins become so isolated? Today I share a bed with a person, but I shared myself with my cyber friend. What is the difference? I think this is the difference between being around and being involved, being a roommate and being a companion.
   I don't have any expectations of people anymore, I am always happy for those who give me moments of themselves and allow me to give them moments of me. Not just anyone (for I am very picky), but those few whose words make sense to my soul, like music that describes the emotion and self so entirely, but the verbal word is limited because of a person's mental fears and stereotypes..

     So in my muse and rant, I leave everyone with this...................                 

 snails do it, bees do it...

even some type of fleas do it...

all it takes is reaching out...sharing breath,

being you, being me...

just knowing this is what is imporating...

This is what will bring the satisfying sigh deep within the soul...

Companionship

Pieces Adrift that Connect

As a tree, the leaves grown are the intimate parts of me. They are my companions, my loves, my joys, and my sorrows. A tree always wishes for company. Alas, leaves fall too soon, as do acorns, and as much as the tree tries to cling to at least one, whispering "stay..stay.."..off it oes to its own adventure. I miss my leaves and acorns. Sure, there are other trees which the tree could probably gain insight or bemusment from, but it is not the same. But what is a tree to do?

Trees stand for multiple years in the vast world extended around them; observation becomes the shared vehicle for existing.
"There's a bird"
"I saw that bird"
"Is it the same bird?"
"I don't know, could be, maybe not, oh...there's another".
       Such delight, such insight, such a bore.

But.....sometimes there is a interplay of exchange. Whether it be words, thoughts, or musings. The exchange takes on a life it its own and brings vitality to any exchange. It can't make the tree move its roots an inch, it doesn't even change the nature of the tree, but it does intertwine branches in a form that can cause beauty and create a thought-form like song.

Exchange, communicating. But now, two views of the world extended around them.
"There's a bird"
"A bird on a mission"
"Yes, a bird trying to decide which of us it should live on"
"I don't want its poop"
"I don't mind its poop, or that of its young, there would be song"
"Oh, it picked me, oh great"
"Wonderful, the better for me to watch it!!"
"But I hate the poo"
"Then you won't realize because you won't be able to see it....and I won't tell you"
"You won't tell me when it poops?"
"I will only tell you about the beauty and you will always be able to hear the twittering and song, that way the poo will be irrelevant"
"Hmmm, that might work!! At least I won't see the poop!"
"In your view, there will be no poo".

Communicating, evolving, sharing of thoughts, ideas, and dreams. There is no right, no wrong, just flowing expressions of souls...

Instead of waiting and bemoaning the fate of leaves that are temporary, the tree now shares the world with another. How wonderful, how blissful, so deliciously simple. Whether that be in silence or exchange, observational discourse or tossing of acorns; the point being that at some point there was an acknowledgment of involvment. Involvement reveals itself in many forms and never the form that is initially assumed. Once the leaf is caught and tossed back, involvment, companionship occurs.

To sit as the tree.

To let exchange flow as the wind.

To find joy in acorn or leaf tossed.

A happy sigh to exchange back.

That is all that is...matters...and is.

(sigh)